Parapoetica

Medium-oldie but goodie:

“I feel calm. I feel ready. I can only conclude that’s because I don’t have a full grasp of the situation.” – Mars Spirit lander deputy mission manager Mark Adler, the morning before the landing.

I was really bored one day, so I created a satirical JDate profile, “ClicheBoy”, filled with the most inane, self-evident blather I could think of, along with a few winks to the wise. Some was original, and some copied verbatim from real profiles.

About Me

i can’t believe i am doing this! i’m 33 years old and from massachusetts. i love to go out, but i also like to stay at home. i really like hanging out with my friends. in my spare time, i like to watch tv, go to movies or even restaurants. i tend to be sarcastic. i like to spoil my girlfriend, not like buying her things all the time, but like forgetting to put her back in the fridge.

Perfect Match

i am looking for someone who is equally comfortable in jeans as in a night on the town. i am not into games. i want someone who is down to earth, and keeps her feet on the ground but reaches for the stars. i need someone who can make me laugh, but not at a funeral, because that’s rude. she should have similar interests as me, who likes to do the same things I like. plus, they need a great personality and should be fun to be with, and they’re ability to communicate.

Ideal Relationship

i think the ideal relationship is when you are not only lovers, but also best friends. also, you have to be attracted to the person, not just for their body, but also physically. honesty is very important, and we should each be as equal as the other, not more, because a relationship is mutual and goes both ways. I think both people need to care about the other, and they each need to make time for each other.

Perfect First Date

i think the best date is one you never want to end, where you’re both having such a good time. ideally, it should be someplace we could talk to each other. at the end of the date we would want to go out again.

Learned from past relationships

too much to write. but both people have to compromise with each other, not just one person.

The sad part: ClicheBoy gets about as many views as my regular profile does.

Amazing headline in the Washington Post this morning:

<a title=New Evidence of Controlled Fire Is Unearthed (washingtonpost.com)" href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A12768-2004May9.html”>New Evidence of Controlled Fire Is Unearthed (washingtonpost.com)

And I thought we’d pretty much nailed that with the internal combustion engine.

An AP wire article on proofreading Bibles mentions a whopper of a typo in a 1631 edition:

“Thou shalt commit adultery.”

Salon.com News | Typos found in the Bible

From John Kelly’s column today:

“Maureen Greeley of Ashburn wrote: ‘Frankly I’m a bit embarrassed to be sharing this story, but when I first learned that we bought Alaska from Russia, I had to ask: How on Earth did we get it over here?’”

Quick Work, and More Power to ’Em (washingtonpost.com)

Somebody in Somerville’s signage department has a sense of humor:

!http://www.jay.fm/albums/friends/fp_596a.jpg (Bow wow ruff woof)!

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You…

A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is “C” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”

If you haven’t already seen this… Burger King has created a “viral marketing” site that truly gives you chicken your way. Commands to try include rotisserie, moonwalk, sing, air guitar, backflip, camera, hop, leave, tell me the time.

Subservient Chicken

A bipartisan report states that Libya may be hiding chemicals and germs, and that it has been “less than forthcoming” about that. As sanctions didn’t work, no doubt some will propone military actions.

Another article informs me that my sponge harbors many anti-personnel bacterial colonies as well. And I have not been very forthcoming, even to those using my kitchen.

To stave off any sort of pre-emptive strike, then, let it be known: I come in peace. The germs I possess are part of a delayed-phase maintenance system known as “I wash it when it smells”. I am a patriot. Please don’t bomb me.

The bad news: The Fostoria Bureau of Concern, a charity that helps the poor via soup kitchens, clothing drives, and the like, was broken into via a back door, and the thieves took a large safe.

The good news: The safe was empty.

The better news: The FBOC had been trying to get rid of the safe for some time, but it was too heavy for them to move. Said Susan Simpkins, the director: “It is really quite comical. It was very heavy, and they did us a favor by taking it.”

NOTE TO ALL THIEVES: I have a towel warmer, two front seats for an Audi, and 19 pallets of bricks that are very poorly guarded.