Parapoetica

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, “This you call a lining?”

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family – wife, children, grandchildren – came to see him, but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first.

“Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?”

“Yes,” said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver.

Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, “Go tell Grampa Moishe he can’t have any chopped liver. It would kill him.” Ben went back in and reported.

“You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I’m dying anyway and it won’t make any difference.”

Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, “Go tell Grampa Moishe he can’t have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva.”

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Sh’ma prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during the Sh’ma said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?” The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

The one whose followers sat said, “Then the tradition is to sit during the Sh’ma!” The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand.” The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT’S the tradition!”

Two rabbis were strolling down a busy Las Vegas street and one of them noticed a store front sign proclaiming, “We’ll convert you, or give you $100!”

“Yitzhak, I see a great way to earn some money for charity,” boasted Reb Chaim. “I’m going in there. The money is as good as ours!”

“Those people can be pretty convincing, be careful,” warned R. Yitzhak.

“There is no way they will succeed with me!” Chaim insisted.

After about ten minutes R. Yitzhak began pacing. Fifteen minutes later, he started to bite his fingernails. He was finally happy to see Chaim emerge from the store 20 minutes later.

Eager to hear of his success, R. Yitzhak asked: “So, did you get the money?”

To which R. Chaim flatly replied, “Is that all that you people think about?”

Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: “Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner.”

Clinton asked, “What was on the banner?”

Saddam responded, “It said Allah is God, God is Allah.”

Clinton said: “You know, Saddam, I’m really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner.”

“What was on the banner?” Saddam asked.

Clinton replied: “I really don’t know…. I don’t read Hebrew.”

Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, “I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I’m a life long Yankee fan. I’ve got to watch the Yankee game on TV.”

The Rabbi responds, “Gottlieb, that’s what VCR’s are for.”

Gottlieb is surprised. “You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?”

Morty walks into his rabbi’s office with a worried expression. abbi, I’m at a loss. I raised my son in the traditions, sent him to Hebrew school, gave him a good Bar Mitzvah, and now he wants to convert. What should I do?"

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “I, too, had a son, who I sent to yeshiva, and then to rabbinical college, and then he wanted to convert. When that happened to me, I turned to God.”

“What did God say?” asked the man eagerly.

“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me!’”

An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, “Vershtayn Yiddish?”

The man answers: “Yes, Ich Farshtay.”

Elderly Lady: “Vot Time is It?”